Tuesday, 19 February 2013

Some advice to Californians and the Wicked Witch of the West

I turned on the local news this morning as I was getting up and the top story was that it was raining. I kid you not. We're not talking about unusual weather for this time of year. We're not even talking about a weird weather pattern. It's just raining and in San Francisco, this is news.

I think if I hadn't been living here for almost two years, I'd be slightly more incredulous than I am now. I lived for 26 years in a country for whom the current weather in Potrero Hill is like a bad day in May. Californians this IS NOTHING!
The people in my life are all fairly sensible people, but as my day takes me around San Francisco, I guarantee I will see the following displays of idiotic behaviour:
1. Someone riding a bike in a vest top and flip flops. And then shouting at the driver who splashed him. Mate you get no sympathy. It's raining. Wear some clothes. This also applies to all the hipster students on campus who don't own a coat or anything they didn't scrounge. Some information for you: Buffalo Exchange sells rain macs.

2. The buses will be rammed and everyone will be acting like dickheads. Obviously this is compounded by the fact that I go to university on the 22, which as any San Franciscan can tell you is a cross between a prison riot, a bad reality show and the constant fear of getting stabbed. At least for me anyway.
3. Whilst we're on the subject of buses, Londoners the years of practice you've put in getting the umbrella to bus etiquette right, takes an absolute beating in San Francisco. Today I will see at least 3 people get poked in the face trying to get on the bus, put down their brolly and not impale eyeballs simultaneously.
4. The other guaranteed stupidity to be witnessed today will be all the many, many drivers who don't seem to understand the basic physics behind what water does to roads. And their field of vision. And the way their car responds. For the sake of my sanity, I'm imploring all drivers to back the fuck up a few metres and slow it down a little bit. It's raining, we're all getting there a bit slower today.
5. People generally bitching and moaning about the weather. And this will be everywhere and the main topic of conversation all day. 'Isn't this bad weather?' 'Um, no not really.' 'I can't believe how wet this is!' 'This isn't wet, you should see my poor parents’ waterlogged garden and the poor chickens developing trenchfoot, then you can talk to me about how wet this is.'
So today I face San Francisco with the attitude and scorn of a Londoner who cannot believe there are still people out there who can't adapt to minimal changes in the weather. Can you imagine what would happen if it snowed? I think their worlds would dissolve like the Wicked Witch of the West. Help me I'm melting...

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